Helen

“I am more optimistic than most people.”  All members of Chemistry.com respond to this statement (and many others) when they join our site.   Many are optimistic, too.   But the highest percent of optimists live in 10 specific cities.  These men and women have several traits in common:  they are more likely to look on the bright side of any issue; they are confident that their way of doing things will work out; they have a plan for where they want to be in five years; they never enter any competition expecting to lose; and when they do lose, they focus on how they can do better next time. 

Who are these optimists?  They undoubtedly have some common past experiences.   But I suspect they also share some basic brain chemistry.   I say this because every member of Chemistry.com takes my personality test, a questionnaire that measures the constellation of traits linked with four basic brain systems: dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen.   The dopamine system is linked with a sunny personality.  And, as I expected, those living in most of these 10 cities are Explorers, men and women highly expressive of the traits linked with dopamine.   Explorers are natural optimists. 

However, these cities are also packed with men and women who are highly expressive to the traits linked with estrogen, a brain system not associated with optimism.  Estrogen rich men and women (whom I call Negotiators) tend to see the big picture; they are intuitive, imaginative and mentally flexible; they have superb people skills; and they are emotionally expressive.   Could it be that Negotiators–who also tend to think long term, see the many sides of any issue, and are more accepting of ethnic, religious and intellectual diversity–are also more optimistic? Apparently.

Years ago, psychologist Martin Seligman founded the new field of Positive Psychology–which delves into the science of optimism.  Since then, Optimism Clubs have spouted across America and the world.  These clubs have many credos:  Among them: “to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind; to talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet; to make all your friends feel that there is something in them; and to look at the sunny side of everything…” (Peterson and Seligman 2004:569).  These precepts are good for your health. 

But optimism can also be dangerous.   Optimists see life through rose-colored glasses, what psychologists call the “pink-lens effect.” This can lead to self-delusion.  But here’s the good news.  The human mind has evolved a “self-correct” system to counteract misplaced optimism: mild depression.   Mild depression enables you to see (and adjust) your goals.   So be optimistic.  Expect positive outcomes; then work to reach these goals.   You will “self-correct” if you optimism becomes unrealistic.  And as you adjust your focus on more attainable objectives, you will rejuvenate your optimism.   

You’ll get other perks, too.  Friends, relatives, lovers and colleagues all flock to a sunny personality.  

We’ve been busting myths about women since the 1960s; it’s time we bust our myths about men.  Single in America, a 2011 national study of Singles based on the US census and conducted by Match.com (and myself), does this in spades.  This study clearly shows that men are just as eager to marry; 33% of both sexes want to say “I do.” Moreover, men in every age group are more eager to have children: 51% of men aged 21 to 34 want kids, while 46% of women in this age range yearn for young.  Men are less picky about a partner, too.  Fewer men “must have” or regard it as “very important” to have a mate of the same ethnic background (20% of men vs 29% of women); and fewer say they “must have” or regard it as “very important” to have a partner of the same religion (17% of men vs 28% of women).  And get this:  Men experience more love at first sight; just as many men under age 35 believe you can stay married to the same person forever (84%); and in a committed relationship, men are less likely to want nights out with friends (23% vs 35% of women); less eager to own their own bank account (47% vs 66% of women); and less keen to take a vacation on their own (8% vs 12%).  And as for men’s mythic obsession with sex, men are more willing than women to enter a committed relationship with someone whom they do not find sexually attractive, as long as this partner has everything else they are looking for in a mate.  I study the brain in love.  My colleagues and I have put over 80 men and women into a brain scanner (fMRI), and we found no gender differences in romantic passion.  This Single in America study tells it like it is:  men are just as eager to find a partner, fall in love, commit long term and raise a family.  And the sooner journalists (particularly those writing for women’s magazines), social scientists (particularly those convinced that men are evil), TV and radio talk show hosts, and all the rest of humanity that berates men begin to embrace these findings, the faster we will find—and keep–the love we want.

In a sexual encounter, men have more to gain and less to lose.  If they impregnate a woman by chance, they will have passed their DNA on to eternity, with very little effort.  Sex is regarded as a gift that women give men in many cultures. 

In fact, in many societies, men give gifts to women who have sex with them, a little oily fish, beer, tobacco, a choice piece of meat.  Among insects it is called the “nuptial gift.”

Men have evolved many biological mechanisms to coax a woman into bed–and to have her enjoy the experience. Saliva has testosterone in it (the hormone of desire) and men like sloppier kisses than women do. Male sweat has a pheromone, androstenol, which regulates a woman’s menstrual cycle and can increase her sexual desire.  And seminal fluid is packed with chemicals that serve as antidepressants and stimulants that can trigger feelings of sex, romance and attachment.

In a recent study of “hooking up,” 50% of women and 52% of men said that they went into this sexual experience hoping to begin a longer relationship. One third succeeded.  

New data indicate that men are more likely to seek a committed relationship than women are. Men fall in love faster than women do, because they are so visual.  They are more dependent on their girlfriends because they have fewer intimate relationships with their male peers. They are 2.5 times more likely to kill themselves when a relationship ends. And men are more likely to remarry.

Our cultures suffers from many myths of female sexuality, but I have come to believe we have just as many myths about men.  

I don’t know how women feel in other cultures, particularly those where almost all men have beards.  (You might write in and tell me.)  But the American women I know don’t like facial hair on a man.  I’m among them.  Years ago, I had a boyfriend who loved his beard.  He looked fashionable, I suppose; but I looked like a pumpkin.  My raw face tingled in the shower; and after a particularly sexy evening together, I was embarrassed to show up at work.  Even worse, his beard was a walking menu; it retained the smells of former meals. But men like beards. They think beards are manly. And they’re right.  In a famous experiment, a young lighthouse keeper on an isolated island measured his shaving trimmings daily.  On Fridays, in anticipation of his trip to the mainland to spend the weekend with his girlfriend, his noticed that his beard hair had grown substantially over night.  Testosterone fuels the growth of men’s facial hair—probably an evolutionary tactic to signal sexual availability.   Beards also signal sexual maturity.    Like women’s breasts that develop at puberty and shrink with menopause, little boys can’t grow beards while older men’s gray beards confirm that the height of their virility has passed.   But on the more conscious level, men also grow beards to accentuate their jawline.   Male jawlines turn women on!   Take a look at almost any male actor’s chin: it’s rugged—because it has been build by testosterone.   Indeed, ovulating women regard a man’s rugged jawline as particularly attractive; while they are more likely to choose a “baby faced” man at other times of the menstrual cycle.  And to further accentuate this facial advertisement of testosterone, men stroke their jaw or beard when they get nervous–a primordial gesture to show off their masculinity.  

Like the lion’s mane: facial hair signals testosterone, lots of it, along with youth, virility, assertiveness and readiness.  So I’m not surprised that some women love a beard.   Beneath this smelly, itchy hair is a primal hunter and provider—something men want to be and women want to have.

I can’t think of a better place to meet the love of your life than in an airport.  You already have something important in common: you both like to explore.  You generally have a couple hours to get to know one another too, as well as something interesting (and self-revealing) to talk about: your destinations.  Moreover, the sparks may fly–because novelty triggers the dopamine system in the brain, heightening one’s susceptibility to romance.  And there are real perks to traveling with a partner.  Together you can resolve travel glitches; your mate may contribute some unanticipated adventures too. Most important: traveling is fun.  And as the great poet, Robert Frost, summed it up: “A joy must be shared.” 

Stop with the negativity, America.  Singles are sick of it.  Indeed, 51% of Match members have broken up with a pessimist.  They want a partner who smiles, is enthusiastic and thinks of the future, not the past.  And for good reason.  Negativity stresses the body and the mind.  We’re naturally drawn to positive people because when they smile, we automatically smile too—and smiling triggers facial muscles that trigger the brain’s pleasure centers to make you feel good.  Sure; there’s much to cry about.  But if you want to attract the right partner and fall in love, be happy.  It’s one of nature’s secrets to romance.

“Love at first sight is relatively easy to explain.  Romantic love runs along curtain electrical and chemical pathways through the brain. And these can be triggered instantly. Men fall in love faster, statistically speaking, probably because they are more visual.  But women aren’t far behind.  It’s a basic drive, like thirst and hunger.  Food and water keep you alive today.  Romantic love leads to bonding, mating and sending your DNA into tomorrow.  So I’m not surprised that Prince tktktkt??? fell in love fast. There are always cultural factors too.  He was ready to fall in love.  Then, boom: it’s natural.”  

Marriage equality is human equality.  We are built to love—and these feelings are just as powerful in gays and lesbians as in heterosexuals. 

I study the brain in love.  I and my colleagues have put over 100 men and women into a brain scanner, using functional magnetic resonance imaging.  And we have found some of the basic neural highways that give you that rush of exhilaration and ecstasy, the focus, the energy, the motivation and the obsession of being passionately in love.  Someone is camping in your head.  Moreover, these primary brain pathways for romantic passion lie way below the cerebral cortex (the outer rind of the brain with which you reason and decide), even below the neural factories in the middle of your head that generate your emotions.  Indeed, this passion emanates from the basement of the mind–near brain regions that orchestrate thirst and hunger.   Romantic love and the feeling of deep attachment to a mate are basic human drives, natural urges that evolved millions of years ago.   And these drives to love and to be loved are no different in gays and lesbians than in heterosexuals.  Everybody loves. 

And we have reams of data to prove it.  At Match, we do an annual study called Singles in America.  We don’t poll our Match members, but instead a representative sample of Americans based on the U.S. census.  And the past five years of this research on more than 25,000 men and women has vividly shown that gays and lesbians are just like straights when it comes to loving.   These men and women are just as likely to believe in love at first sight, just as eager to find a committed partner, and just as likely to seek a partner who respects them, someone whom they can trust and confide in, and someone who makes them laugh.   And as for wedding?  Forty-two percent of gay men and 43% of lesbians want to marry, and another 33% of men and 37% of women are uncertain but would consider it. 

Be you pink or green, tall or short, young or old, rich or poor, gay, lesbian or straight: you love. So we at Match are in favor of a Supreme Court ruling that enables gay and lesbian wedding. Marriage Equality is not just appropriate and timely—it’s human. 

We’ve been together for 10 years and now it’s your 20^th birthday.  Bravo.  So let’s tip a glass of bubbly together; reminisce about the past; and think about the future.  

Foremost, you have transformed human courtship. Twenty years ago, Internet dating was perceived as something for, well, “someone else.”  Now, it’s the top way we find romance.  And your online daters rock:  they have more education than offline daters; they are also more likely to be employed full time and they are more interested in marriage.   No wonder you’ve made more than a quarter of a billion matches.  

You’ve covered the airwaves with your magic, too.  Match members have sent over a billion winks and emails; 20 million men and women have tuned in to Match through a mobile device; you’ve created more than 10 million relationships; and you’ve produced more than a one million babies.  You have even made dating fun.  An evening making pizza or sushi in a Singles group; outings to the theater or a concert; wine tastings and much more—your “stirs” have begun to offer us dynamic new ways to meet and flirt.  Indeed, we may soon need to delete the word “online” from “online dating.” 

What’s next?  Will a Match baby be the CEO of Match.com twenty years down the road?  Will our president have introduced himself to the First Lady with a Match wink?  It’s likely.  But I think you will have made an even greater impact by 2035.  

Why?  Because you have begun to break down the geographical barriers to romance.   You will soon enable a woman from Iowa to fall in love with a man from Beijing, Johannesburg or Buenos Aries.  Indeed, one of your sister sites recently matched two people in Antarctica!  You are making the world your coffee klatch.  As the years unfold, you will most likely transform the traditional “first date” too, with more and more couples meeting via virtual encounters.  Perhaps even language barriers will dissolve, as would-be lovers use translation devices to converse.  And gone will be the stagnant profile, with a few still photos and a list of one’s basic interests.  Instead, singles will use a host of audio and video devices to display their charms.  You will also be offering us concrete ways to ensure that potential partners are who they say they are.   But most important: Singles will no longer wonder how they’ll meet their match.  Their only issue will be when.

You’ve been busy, pal.  And like you, I’m optimistic about the future of relationships.  Today some 84% of American men and women are projected to wed by age 40.  And 89% of those queried in our 2014 Singles in America study believe they will stay married to the same person forever.   I believe they will:   As you know, when you and I did a national study of married people in 2012, we found that 81% would remarry the person to whom they are currently wed.    Certainly this is, in part, because today bad relationships can end.   But I suspect you are playing a role in this emerging marital bliss:  Today men and women know they have a powerful alternative to a bitter partnership. You.  They can go on Match and find the love they truly want. 

So, my friend: here’s to thee.  I tip my glass to the largest and most effective dating site in the world.  You deserve it: take a bow.  

Love at first sight is actually rather easy to explain.  I and my colleagues have now put dozens of men and women into a brain scanner (using fMRI) to map the brain pathways associated with this exotic passion, romantic love. And this electric, blissful feeling runs along a specific network that can be triggered instantly. Indeed, this neural circuitry most likely evolved among our ancient mammalian (and probably avian) ancestors to drive them to focus their mating energy on specific partners and start the breeding process. We have inherited the brain mechanisms for ‘love at first sight.’  So I wasn’t surprised to find how many Americans have experienced this primordial brain response.  I do an annual study with Match.com, known as Singles in America.  We don’t poll Match members; instead we poll a representative sample of Americans based on the U.S. census.  And annually we ask our participants if they have ever experienced love at first sight.  We now have data on 25,000+Americans over the past five years.  Data vary in different groups; but the numbers are always high:  In 2014, 41% of single men and 29% of women had experienced love at first sight.  In 2013, 43% of men and 31% of women had experienced this instant passion; while in 2012, 71% of men and 66% of women had experienced love at first sight. Moreover, in 2011, 67% of men and 60% of women had felt love at first sight; and in 2010, 54% of men and 44% of women had succumbed to this instant madness.  Romantic love is like a sleeping cat: it can be awakened at any time.