Helen

I have a friend who met her husband at a red light.  She was 15, in a car with a pile of girls.   He was in another car with a crowd of boys.  As the light turned green, they all decided to pull into a nearby park and party.   My friend spend the evening sitting on a picnic table talking to one man.  Thirty-seven years later they are still together.  And both still maintain they are very much in love.   

We are born to love.   This feeling of elation that we call romantic love is deeply embroidered into the human brain.   But can it last?   For years I thought my friend and her husband were deluding themselves.   Then something happened at a New York art opening to change my mind.   I was talking to a pal when he spontaneously declared that he was still deeply in love with his wife—after 23 years of marriage.  “In love,” I asked, “with butterflies in the stomach?  Or feelings of deep attachment?”   He announced boldly: “inlove.”  Equally bizarre, minutes after he vanished into the crowd, his wife appeared.   And she, too, spontaneously maintained she was still in love with her husband.   Were these people putting me on?  Later I found them together and asked?   Both looked astonished.   Apparently neither had known the other had divulged their feelings. 

Can romantic passion be sustained after years of soothing cranky babies, pinching nickels, entertaining irritating relatives, moaning at her bad jokes and washing his smelly socks?  This was what my brain scanning colleagues and I set out to discover in 2007.   Led by Dr. Bianca Acevedo, our team started to ask everyone we met, searching for people who said they were still madly in love with their long term spouse.   These lovers popped up everywhere.  An 72 year old retired professor; a 54 year old financier who met her husband on the plane from Boston to New York; a man who met his wife in a hot air balloon: aging lovers weren’t difficult to find.   And with time we scanned the brains of 17 people as they looked at a photograph of their sweetheart.   Most were in their fifties.   All staunchly maintained they were still wildly in love with their partner–after an average of 21 years of marriage.  

The results were astonishing.  Psychologists maintain that the dizzying feeling of intense romantic love lasts no longer than 18 months to three years—and the vast majority of us believe it.  Yet these middle aged men and women showed much of the same brain activity as did the young lovers we had studied years before, individuals who had been intensely in love an average of seven months.  Indeed, these two groups showed only one important difference:  Among our long term lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead they showed activity in areas associated with calm.  These 17 participants weren’t the only ones to maintain this passion, either.  When Bianca and other colleagues subsequently asked 315 long-married men and women in a phone survey, 46% reported that they were still “very intensely in love” with their spouse.  

Exactly what these people on the phone meant by “very intensely in love,” these scientists don’t know.  Equally mysterious: no one knows how these lovers–or anyone else–manage to keep this wild passion alive. We are constantly told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, a happy, stable childhood, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination.  But in a survey of 470 studies, psychologist Marcel Zentner found no particular combination of personality traits that lead to long-term romance.  With one exception: sustaining your “positive illusions.”   Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind and ideal for them in just about every way remain happy long term.  Known as  “love blindness,” I saw this phenomenon in a friend of mine.   I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all in college—when both were slim, fit, energetic and curious,  a vibrant couple.  Today both are heavy, dour, laconic couch potatoes.  Yet he still tells me she hasn’t changed a bit—as he looks at her with an adoring smile. Perhaps this form of self deception is a gift from nature—enabling us to triumph over the rough spots in our partnerships. I am not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or a deadbeat bore.  But with the annual mid winter festivities soon upon us, it’s worth celebrating one of nature’s best kept secrets:  our human capacity to love…and love…and love. 

“My beloved.  The delight of my eyes.”  So begins a love poem written by Inanna, Queen of Sumeria, and inscribed in cuneiform on a lump of clay more than four thousand years ago.  Poems, songs, stories, myths, legends, sculptures, paintings, temples, castles:  romantic love has inspired countless works of creativity.  Why does love trigger such a flood of inventiveness?  Now scientists know why:  thinking about your beloved makes you more creative.   

Recently psychologists (Forster et al 2009) asked sixty young men and women to imagine taking a long walk with their beloved while also conjuring up feelings of intense romantic love for him or her.   Participants without a sweetheart were requested to imagine taking a walk with an “ideal partner” instead.   Meanwhile,  different volunteers were asked to imagine having casual sex with someone they found attractive (but were not in love with).  Then each group was given a battery of tests to examine their creative and analytical abilities.   The results?  Those who thought about a beloved became more creative, focused more on events way down the road, and lost some of their analytical dexterity.   Thinking about sex had the opposite effect.   These men and women became more analytical, started to focus on the here and now, and lost some of their creativity.   Moreover, their second study duplicated these results.  When participants were shown (subconsciously) words related to love, like “loving,” they became more creative and less analytical; but those exposed to words suggestive of sex, like “erotic,” became more analytical and less creative instead.

Why have we evolved a brain that gets more creative when we think about romantic times and more analytical when we conjure up thoughts of sex?  These correlations could be coincidences.  Those in this study who thought about a soulmate also reported that they felt “more in love” after indulging in these daydreams.  And the feeling of romantic love can drive up dopamine in the brain, a neurochemical associated with creativity.  Moreover, feeling sexual triggers the testosterone system, long known to be associated with analytical skills.   But these brain links may have evolved for an important purpose:  survival.   In ancestral days, a lover’s creativity and long term view probably dazzled to a beloved, spurring him or her to bear and rear their young.   And those who thought about sex acquired a spurt of analytical clarity, as well as short-term focus–assets that enabled them to bed a partner here and now.    In short, thoughts of love and sex had payoffs:  children–the ultimate measure of survival.  

So why not take advantage of nature’s artistry:  Daydream about him or her to boost your inventiveness at work.  Put a romantic photo on your desk and in your wallet…and sneak peaks.   Fantasize about romance in the shower, as you head to the office, even between business calls.   Why not think about sex as well–to boost your analytical capabilities.   And these new data may be particularly valuable to those suffering from romantic rejection.  Jilted lovers often talk relentlessly, obsessing for months about what could have been.   But this mental processing can become counterproductive—serving only to raise the ghost and add more pain.  These studies suggest that if you want to get over you ex faster, it might be more effective to replace your thoughts of him or her with sexual fantasies.   As you become more analytical and focused on the present, you will be acquiring important tools to help you rebuild.   How remarkable:  we can begin to use the secrets of the mind to improve our lives.

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Forster, J, K Epstude and A Ozelsel (2009) Why love has wings and sex has not: how reminders of love and sex influence creative and analytic thinking.  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 35#11: 1479-1491.

 Starting a relationship should be fun.  Fun is good for the mind and body.  And fun is good for love. Any kind of novel game is likely to drive up dopamine in the brain—the natural stimulant that can make you more susceptible to romance.  So we have decided to help you “get in the mood” with some games, Chemistry.starters.   

But these games have another purpose: as you play, you can learn important things about your gaming partner—as well as express core aspects of yourself.  This is important.  In the beginning of a relationship you know almost nothing about him or her.   So you tend to overweigh the few morsels of information you receive.   As a result, the “getting to know you process” is full of “breaking points,” moments that can take on heavy (and unrealistic) meanings and can send you flying out the door–alone.

So why not lighten up those first interactions with some ice breakers and a gaming spirit.  Psychologists report that the more you interact with someone, the more you tend to regard this individual as interesting, smart, good looking and similar to yourself.   The better you like them, too.    Moreover, if you can play well together now, you might still play well together 20 years from now–and lead a happier, healthier, longer life.  So we have decided to help you pole vault those early “breaking points.”  With these Chemistry.starters, you will pick up some interesting facts, ideas and points of view–as well as meet new people in a new way.   More important, hopefully you will find “the one.” 

But first, a few gaming tips:  Be playful–people are enchanted by those who are sportive.   Be funny whenever possible–this will lift your spirits and those of your gaming partner.  Be educated—to excite your partner’s mind.  Be considerate—to soothe their heart.   Brag a little—so they get to know some of your best qualities.  Do unexpected things, because novelty can trigger romance.  Be true to yourself—because your gaming partner wants to know who you really are.   And remember that words are tiny bombs that detonate in the brain to make deep impressions–so choose your words smartly.    Most important: make it a dialogue:  respond within 24 hours if possible, because courtship runs on messages.   These signals must be sent and returned—promptly. 

So, in the gaming spirit, I’d like to share my newest motto with you: “We’re here; we’re alive; let’s play.”  Please join us on Chemistry.starters.

O magazine column

Your sweetheart calls you by another’s name; his eyes linger too long on your best friend; he talks with excitement about a girl at work; and the fire starts: jealousy.   Jealousy is like a fever; this sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage and humiliation can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival.   The “green eye’d monster,” as Shakespeare called it, is camping in your head. 

Jealousy can arise at any time in a relationship.  When you are madly in love, when you are snugly attached, even when you dislike your partner, this monster can come calling.   Neither sex is routinely more jealous—although men and women tend to handle this demon differently.  Women are more willing to work to win their lover back with appealing clothing, innuendoes about  their own “special” worth, and comments designed to skewer their opponent.   Men flaunt their money or status; and men are more likely to walk out to protect their self-esteem or save face.  But both sexes regularly  try to make their partner feel guilty, flirt with others for revenge, or pretend they don’t care–in hopes of retrieving their lost love.

Psychologists often regard jealousy as a scar of childhood or symptom of a psychological problem.    It’s true that people who feel inadequate,  insecure or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than the rest of us.   But be assured:  the “Big J,” as the Yolngu aborigines of Australia call jealousy, can corrode any human heart.  

The Big J hunts other creatures too, as primatologist Jane Goodall reports.   Passion, a female chimp living in Tanzania, tipped her buttocks toward a young male in the typical “come hither” pose.   He ignored her; and soon began to court another, Pom.   Incensed, Passion slapped him hard.   Jealousy can be even more dangerous.   Take bluebirds.    While the cock was away, anthropologist David Barash placed a stuffed male bluebird on a branch about three feet from where his “wife” was settled in their nest.  When the resident returned, he began to squawk, hover and snap his bill in fury at the dummy.   Then he attacked his “spouse,” pulling some primary feathers from her wing.  Wife beating by a jealous male bluebird?   She fled.

Why jealousy? This monster of the mind evolved for essential reasons: Foremost, jealous behavior can discourage philandering or desertion by a mate—saving men from being cuckolded and bolstering the family unit.   Moreover, many people feel secretly complimented when their partner is mildly jealous; it’s generally a sign that he or she really likes you.  And when you catch another flirting with your beloved, this fire in the brain can ignite feelings of lust and romance, adding fresh passion to the relationship.  Equally important, intense jealousy can drive you away from a “player,” thrusting you toward a more stable and rewarding partnership.   Jealousy is natural—and sometimes healthy.   Throughout our primordial past, it served to protect and strengthen a partnership or push you to abandon a futile match, selecting for this powerful emotion. 

But jealousy can go seriously awry.   Some people become dangerously jealous for no good reason, undermining their self-esteem and driving their partner into another’s arms–exactly what they feared.   Others murder a faithful mate.   In fact, male jealousy has been a leading cause of spousal homicide in the United States for decades.    

    So….how do you know if your jealousy is healthy or malignant?   Well, if you are using field glasses to watch your own front door, snooping through your lover’s pockets, or reading his or her emails on the sly, stop.   This isn’t healthy; it’s demeaning.   Let go.   And do a reality check: talk to someone you respect to see if you might be imagining betrayal.   Then if you think you are over-reacting to innocent flirtations, speak to your partner frankly.  Tell him or her you are working to curb your suspicion, but you would like them to do their part to not provoke it.   If you can’t stop spying or obsessing, (and many of us can’t), it’s the time to consult a professional to help you think this through.   If you find that your suspicions are correct, you have an even bigger problem: what to do about a cheating partner.   Now you must soberly weigh all your options–and the pros and cons of the relationship—before you do something foolish.     And if you come to realize you can’t expel this monster from your mind or feel emotionally secure with a flirtatious mate, you might consider some wisdom from Zen philosophy, “The way out is through the door.”  

A fossil discovery sheds new light on the history of human pairing  

By Helen Fisher

Among the traditional Cashinahua Indians of Brazil, marriage is a casual affair.  After a young woman gets her father’s permission, she asks her husband-to-be to visit her in her hammock after the family is asleep.  He must be gone by daylight.  But gradually he moves his possessions into her family home.  In the U.S. we spend months preparing for that one big moment of  “I do.”  And in India a formal wedding celebration can last for days.  Marriage customs vary.  But from the steppes of Asia to the coral atolls of the western Pacific, we share an ancient tradition: monogamy.  Volumes of data illustrate that monogamy—marrying one person at a time–is common around the world. Although polygyny, the custom of having more than one wife at a time, is permitted in 84 percent of human societies, in the vast majority of these cultures only a small percentage of men actually have several wives at once. Polyandry, the tradition of taking several husbands simultaneously, is even rarer—practiced in less than half of one percent of cultures.  Neither men nor women are always faithful to their partners.  Nor is monogamy always lifelong—divorce and remarriage are common around the world.  But when I analyzed United Nations data on 97 societies, I found that everywhere on earth the vast majority of men and women eventually wed one person at a time: monogamy. And forget what you’ve heard about men being commitment shy.  Studies show that men fall in love faster than women do; young men are more emotionally dependent on their partners because they have fewer intimate male friends; and today men are more likely than women to want a committed partnership.

 Monogamy is human.  And it probably evolved long ago.  Why?  Meet “Ardi” or Ardipithecus ramidus.  Ardi is a 4.4 million-year-old fossil recently discovered in East Africa, and evidence suggests that she reared her infants with a mate. (It sounds odd, but anthropologists determine this by analyzing characteristics of her teeth.)  Yet with all due respect to Ardi, I maintain that monogamy began even earlier—more than five million years ago—when our forebears first descended from the fast disappearing trees of Africa and began walking on two feet (instead of four) to carry sticks and stones and food.  How could an ancestral female carry her baby in one arm and supplies in the other and still protect herself? How could a single primordial male guard a harem of females when lions prowled? As our forebears began to walk upright, pair bonding became essential for survival. 

Will monogamy survive in our modern world?   I think it will, because scientists have recently discovered some of the genes, neurochemicals and brain circuits that spur us to settle with a mate.  These are deeply embedded in the brain.  Moreover, monogamy still brings prosperity.  Marriage is a source of essential social support.  Married men and women are also healthier.  They live longer, and have a lower risk of cardiovascular disease, cancer and other serious illnesses, fewer alterations in hormones related to stress and less risk of depression than do singles.  They also have a higher household income.  And a married couple can provide stability for their children and grandchildren—their genetic future.   

Partnerships aren’t always easy, that’s for sure.  And under some conditions, it’s necessary to reevaluate, even depart.  But the next time you’re ready to hit the ejection button on your relationship, remember that you’re a walking archive our common human heritage–and built to settle down.  With some earnest attention to your partnership, you might make it last.   Across millions of years, millions have.

DEK: That little voice that nudges you when you’re stuck between two choices? It’s real, says Helen Fisher, PhD. 

You’re introduced to a new colleague, and instantly sense that the two of you will become friends. Or you’re faced with a difficult decision, and suddenly you feel the right answer in your gut. Intuition can seem to arise from some mysterious inner source, but it’s actually a form of unconscious reasoning—one that’s rooted in the way our brains collect and store information. 

As you accumulate knowledge—whether it’s about what books your spouse likes, how to play chess, or which flavors taste best together in a recipe—you begin to recognize patterns. Your brain unconsciously organizes these patterns into blocks of information—a process for which the late psychologist Herbert Simon, PhD, coined the term “chunking.”(Simon 1974; Simon 1987) Over time, your brain chunks and links more and more patterns, then stores these clusters of knowledge in your long-term memory. When you see a tiny detail of a familiar design, you instantly recognize the larger composition: what we regard as a flash of intuition. 

This elaborate brain circuitry likely evolved so our forebears could size up a person or a situation quickly (Fisher 1999). Our female ancestors, in particular, needed this skill: They had to tune into their infants to enable them to survive. And this helps explain why women have an edge when it comes to reading people. Slight tension in a voice, a faint tremble of a lower lip, a shift of body weight—women quickly pick up information from another person’s posture, gestures, face, and tone of voice, and mentally match that information to what they’ve learned in the past about human emotion and behavior.(see Fisher 1999) 

So tune into your gut feelings instead of brushing them aside. Your intuition may not always steer you right, but it can be a useful first step in decision-making. 

Simon, H.A. (1974) “How big is a chunk?”  Science 183:482-488.

Simon, H.A.(1987) Making management decisions: the role of intuition and emotion.” Academy of Management Executive (Feb issue): 57-63.

Fisher, HE (1999) The First Sex: the natural talents of women and how they are changing the world. New York: Random House.

“What is intimacy to you?”  Recently I asked this to a man.  He replied, “Doing things with you.”  Most of us have a primal craving to know and be truly known  by someone before we die, to build a deeply committed relationship based on honesty, trust, self disclosure, interdependence, respect, appreciation and togetherness.   But the sexes often define intimacy differently.  When I am with a girlfriend who knows my secrets, we talk.  We swivel until we are facing one another,  lock eyes in what anthropologists call the “anchoring gaze” and reveal our lives, our hopes, our worries.  Talking face to face is intimacy to most women.  

But psychologist Harry Brod  (ck first name) reports that men more regularly regard intimacy as working or playing side by side.  Sure, many men discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives.  But rarely do they share their sacred hopes and darkest fears.   And when they do, they often use “joke speak,” camouflaging their feelings with humor.  

This gender difference in intimacy probably evolved millions of years ago as our female forebears spent their days holding their infants in front of their faces, soothing them with words.  Words were women’s tools for connecting.  Ancestral men, on the other hand, spent most of their days sitting behind a rock or bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo or another moving meal.   Across deep history, ancestral men faced their enemies; they sat side by side with friends.

You can see this gender difference on any park bench.  The man sits facing forward, gazing straight ahead.  The women beside him is swiveling her head, shoulders, chest, hips, knees and ankles to lock eyes.   Both are struggling to reach intimacy with the other—their kind of intimacy.

“Knowledge is power,” Francis Bacon declared.  I agree.  So I often tell a man special things (or raise difficult issues) while we are hiking through the woods or city, driving, or just sitting on the couch looking forward.   When he isn’t threatened by my gaze,  he can hear me.   And to build intimacy with a woman, I face her directly, lock eyes and listen.  

Making love also builds intimacy—due to a powerful chemical in the brain: oxytocin.   Oxytocin produces feelings of trust, togetherness and attachment–and during orgasm both sexes gush this cuddle chemical. Men get a blast of oxytocin when they kiss; and women get a torrent of  this chemical when they hold a partner’s hand.  Moreover,  we humans aren’t the only creatures to enjoy this rush.  All female mammals experience a deluge of  oxytocin as they birth and nurse their young.   And oxytocin courses through the brain as little prairie voles snuggle with a mate.  

There are many other ways to cultivate intimacy.   Choose a new interest to pursue together.   Help your partner achieve their goals.  Face your problems as a team.   Develop a spiritual or religious world together.  And remember when you used to cook together, help one another with the laundry or shop?   Do these again.   (Then give yourselves a reward for time well spent—like a store bought coffee or 15 minutes of mutual massage.)    Most important:  share your private thoughts—every day.   Equally important: play. 

I say this because in preparation for this column I asked 4,876 members of the Internet dating site, Chemistry.com, to respond to eight questions about intimacy (see quiz):   There were some gender differences.  Men were far more likely to regard debating with a partner as intimate, as well as sharing a personal journal.  While women were more likely to endorse organizing a party together and taking a vacation with mutual friends.  But both sexes shared some views: 95% agreed that talking heart to heart about the relationship was very intimate; 94% felt that doing something adventurous together spelled togetherness.  No other activity I offered in the quiz was regarded as intimate by more than 63% of men or women.

Talking face to face; playing side by side: these are nature’s basic formulas for intimacy.  Not coincidentally, these two styles of togetherness come across the eons, up from hunters and mothers who roamed the African grass more than a million years ago.  Viva la difference.  Today savvy couples still use both primordial mechanisms to cultivate this elegant feeling—intimacy.

I’ll take a man with a wry, quick wit over a handsome man any day.  A perpetually serious partner, or one whose sense of humor is crude or childish is, for me, a deal-breaker.

So Chemistry.com and I did a study of more than 1,000 members to see how others felt about humor in courtship.   We asked 19 questions, including “How important is it that your date laugh at your jokes?” “Have you ever fallen in love with someone because of their sense of humor?” And “Have you ever ended a relationship because your sense of humor was incompatible with the person you were dating?”

Men and women agreed on many points: 78% of men and 84% women believed it was “very important” or “somewhat important” that their date laugh at their quips.  Both sexes were “most attracted” to witty, highbrow humor (Men 52%; women 55%) and far less drawn to sarcastic humor (men 19%; women 19%) or bathroom jokes (men 9%; women 4%).  Both sexes also agreed that the worst time to use humor was during a fight or while having sex.  And 89% of men and 94% of women regarded it as important that a date be able to laugh at themselves—an essential ingredient in a long-term partnership.

Moreover, the sexes were equally funny—according to their answers to three standard questions that measure sense of humor.  Men and women were just as likely to make faces to themselves in a mirror; both sexes doodled with more curvy lines than straight lines; and at the zoo, both sexes preferred to watch the monkeys and apes than the lions and cheetahs.  Both men and women also regularly found themselves entertaining others (64% of men; 63% of women).  

One vivid gender difference popped up, however.  Men were far more likely to want to be the funny one in the relationship (Men 79%; women 50%).  Apparently for a good reason:  When asked, “Have you ever fallen in love with someone because of their sense of humor, 57% of women said “yes,” as opposed to 40% of men.  A man’s sense of humor appears to be an aphrodisiac for many women.  

Why is a man’s wit an elixir for female love?   Perhaps because humor advertises one’s creativity.  And creativity has been linked with intelligence, energy, vigor, resilience and versatility—traits women have long sought in the father of their young. 

Around the world both men and women value humor, perhaps because laughing boosts the immune system, elevates heart rate and blood circulation, builds muscle tone, reduces inflammation after injury, stimulates brain growth, and triggers the dopamine system—producing energy, focus, motivation and optimism.  Laughter also alleviates social tension, reduces fear, eases pain, kills boredom, lessens stress, creates intimacy and unites individuals.  People seek funny partners because funny people are good for their health and well-being.

Humor is oxygen.  But men are more likely to attract mates with this magic.  Women particularly love to laugh.

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other facts:

15 minutes of laughing increases level of pain tolerance by 10%

When children watch funny videos, they activate a brain region that processes perceived incongruities, as well as the dopamine (reward) system.

The holiday season can be very difficult for those in new relationships. You can become embarrassed at how your partner acts around your relatives. Or you show up at his/her family event and everyone ignores you—even your partner.  Some partners even vanish into their family world, forgetting you entirely.  So it’s not surprising that some 76% of singles we have polled at Match.com have broken up with someone over the holidays.  Moreover, 30% say it was their partner’s family that turned them off.  During these mid winter festivities, people show new sides to themselves, catering to acquaintances and accommodating to family—not always to you.   But come January, the peak season for dating, men and women get back to basics: finding The One.  Match.com sees a 25-30% increase in new members–with more than 2 million users logging in more than 30 million times during the first week of the new year.  As obligations recede, the drive to love—and to be loved–return.

Courtship is not about honesty; it’s about winning.  Don’t get me wrong:  honesty pays off—big time.  But I’m not surprised that men lie about their height and women lie about their weight.  No courting moose tries to make his antlers look smaller: he shows them off.    So it is with us. We lie to win life’s greatest prize: a mating partner.  And around the world women are more immediately attracted to taller men; while men are more instantly attracted to women with a particular body shape — for good reasons. A woman whose waist circumference is about 70% of her hip measurement has the right balance of estrogen, testosterone and other hormones to produce healthy babies; whereas those who vary considerably from these proportions find it harder to get pregnant and have more miscarriages, as well as more chronic diseases, such as diabetes, hypertension, heart disease and circulation problems.  Moreover, women are unconsciously attracted to taller men (an indication of testosterone) because tall men tend to get better jobs, make more money, and are more likely to become powerful in business or politics.  For millennia, women sought men who could provide for them and their forthcoming young.  And to this day, tall men are more likely to acquire the resources to do this primal job.  Moreover, tall men look intimidating, and thus potentially more protective.

But why lie about height and weight–such obvious deceptions!  Because, as Mae West said, “It’s better be looked over than over looked.” So throughout the animal world, males and females hope to get past this first (false) impression to captivate with their more winning traits. And they succeed.  Intelligence, playfulness, sense of humor, a person’s values, their interests, their compassion and myriad other qualities play vital roles in “mate choice.” Hence a hefty woman and a short man are just as likely to find a partner as a Number Ten. Nature excludes almost no one from the mating dance.