I am not entirely sure why men hate it when women ask “what are you thinking.”   I used to do that quite a bit, actually, and I never really got anyone to answer.   But my twin sister and I have asked one another this question since we were small children.   We used to have a game called “now.”  And when I said “now,” she would have to answer; and vice versa.  We liked the game because we often found that when we were asked, we discovered that we were really thinking of about 5 things at once!   It was fun.  

But I think men feel invaded.   Men are, by and large, more “emotionally contained” than women are.  As testosterone floods the brain in teenage, they begin to use “joke-speak,” masking their real emotions with humor.   I have long thought that men’s emotional containment (which is found in many cultures) evolved millions of years ago on the grasslands of Africa, where men were obliged to do a lot of aggressive tasks.  It’s not really adaptive to feel empathy while slitting the throat of a baby gazelle, for example, or while raiding an enemy camp for food or territory.   So men evolved the ability to contain their feelings, sometimes even from themselves!  

So they are not as comfortable sharing their intimate world because they feel their words might backfire on them.   Men also suffer more from “emotional flooding.”  When they get angry or sad they are more likely to lose control and go beyond what they regard as appropriate.  So I don’t think men (on average) are as comfortable delving into their emotions, or women’s emotions; and when asked what they are thinking, they feel they are on unsteady turf, where they may lose our respect or love.   I suspect they have no idea how much we love them!

The holiday season can be very difficult for those in new relationships. You can become embarrassed at how your partner acts around your relatives. Or you show up at his/her family event and everyone ignores you — even your partner.  Some partners even vanish into their family world, forgetting you entirely.  So it’s not surprising that some 76% of singles we have polled at Match.com have broken up with someone over the holidays.  Moreover, 30% say it was their partner’s family that turned them off.  During these mid winter festivities, people show new sides to themselves, catering to acquaintances and accommodating to family — not always to you.   But come January, the peak season for dating, men and women get back to basics: finding The One.  Match.com sees a 25-30% increase in new members–with more than 2 million users logging in more than 30 million times during the first week of the new year.  As obligations recede, the drive to love — and to be loved — return.

 

An acute sense of justice and fairness are traits linked with the testosterone system in the brain.  So Superman’s affiliation with the “Justice League of America” is an immediate tipoff to his personality type:  a high testosterone male, what I call the Director.  He also looks like a Director.  Testosterone builds muscle—one of Superman’s outstanding traits.  His angular jaw, high cheekbones, thin lips and heavy brow ridges are also carved by testosterone. Oddly, these physical traits also signal his invulnerability—at least his imperviousness to disease.  Testosterone is a caustic substance that jeopardizes the immune system; only men with a very strong immune system can tolerate high levels of this male hormone. Superman is among them.  Most important, this “Man of Steel” saves people he doesn’t know.  Known as ‘heroic altruism,’ this willingness to confront severe danger to save a stranger is linked with elevated levels of testosterone. Directors want to be needed, to help, to “fix” the problems of the world.  Superman personifies this primordial male role: the protector.  Superman is the high testosterone Savior writ large. 

Wonder Woman exudes qualities built by estrogen, what I call the  Negotiator. This type is compassionate and nurturing; they seek peace and harmony, as Wonder Woman does. And I’m not surprised that she can talk to the animals.  Estrogen is linked with verbal skills, with intuition, and with the ability to read faces, postures, gestures and tone of voice.  All evolved to enable women to communicate with pre-verbal infants, even animals.  Wonder Woman has these elevated estrogen qualities in spades.  Yet Wonder Woman is no doormat. She is highly independent, like many women.  Moreover, with her social skills, she can be cunning. And she will fight.  Indeed, when protecting their young, women can become far more dangerous than just about any man.  Wonder Woman seems to regard all good humans as her children.  It is this genuine warrior spirit within a beautiful, tender-hearted woman that makes her the embodiment of all high estrogen women–and a mythic creature to most men.

THEIR RELATIONSHIP 

Superman and Wonder Woman are a classic match, the very high testosterone male and the very high estrogen female.  And they have many cultural and biological traits that will fuel their romance.  People tend to fall in love with those of the same background.  Although Superman comes from a different planet, while Wonder Woman harks from a isolated island, both are aliens to our modern world.  Both also have super human powers so each will understand the another’s strengths–including their mutual ability to fly.  More important, Superman and Wonder Woman share the same values and goals–essentials to a good relationship.  They are both dedicated to truth and justice; both dislike wasting time on irrelevant, trivial or boring matters; and both fight evil to save the good—traits shared by both the high testosterone and high estrogen type.  Moreover, both value personal autonomy.  Each will find someone who is just as independent as themselves.  

But they will have their problems.   She is a warrior, ready to kill her foes; he has killed and resolved never to kill again.  Neither is likely to understand this fundamental difference in values.   Nevertheless, this is a natural complementary match.  Directors such as Superman want a mate who has the strength of character to stand up to their formidable personality.  In Wonder Woman, the charming warrior, he has found his match. And in Superman, Wonder Woman will find a truly “good man.”

THEIR FIRST KISS.

A kiss is just a kiss?  No way!  A great first kiss can be thrilling—and trigger feelings of intense romantic love, due to the way the brain responds to novelty.  Any kind of unique situation triggers the dopamine system. And dopamine is associated with feelings of romance.  So if their first kiss is novel and exciting, it might push Superman and Wonder Woman over the threshold toward falling in love.

The first kiss could also trigger sexual desire.  Saliva has traces of testosterone, and men regularly like sloppier kisses, perhaps to transfer some of this male hormone and heighten the woman’s sexual response.  Moreover, a woman’s breath and saliva change across her menstrual cycle, so with his sloppier kisses, a man may also be unconsciously trying to pick up this subtle hint of her fertility.   Is Superman a sloppy kisser?  Perhaps we’ll find out.

In fact, the first kiss can be dangerous. In a study of 58 men and 122 women, 59% of men and 66% of women said that they had ended a romance after the first kiss.  It was the kiss of death.  Because as you kiss, you can see your partner clearly, as well as smell, taste, hear and feel them.  Instantly these messages from your senses are picked up by five of your twelve cranial nerves and escorted directly to the brain.  Here they detonate, providing vivid data about the person’s health, their eating, drinking and smoking habits, and their state of mind–whether they are rough and impatient or tender and calm. 

But if Superman and Wonder Woman like their first kiss, and turn into lovers, their kisses may trigger even deeper feelings for one another. Kissing among long-term partners raises oxytocin activity in the brain, producing feelings of trust and attachment.  Kissing a familiar partner also reduces the stress hormone, cortisol, contributing to this brain bath of pleasure, connection and relaxation. 

So kissing can trigger any one of three basic brain systems that humanity has evolved for mating and reproduction: romantic love, the sex drive, and/or feelings of deep attachment. And as Superman and Wonder Woman have their first kiss, they embark on one of Nature’s oldest—and most exciting–journeys. A kiss is far more than just a kiss, it’s nature’s way to start a partnership.

Adventure!  Some 85% of Match singles are drawn to a date who likes to explore.   And 76% say they want to try something new this summer.  Why is adventure such an aphrodisiac?  Because novelty triggers the dopamine system in the brain to make you feel alert, focused, energetic, optimistic…and often romantic too.  So when you find an adventurous partner, you are likely to have a companion who will keep you lively, healthy and romantic too. 

An anthropologist once asked a Kung Bushman living in a hunter/gatherer band in the grasslands of Botswana if he would marry a woman who was smarter than he was.  He replied, “Yes, because she’d make me smart too.”  Today 80% of singles say they “must have” or find it “very important” to have someone of the same level of intelligence.  And 89% would make a commitment to someone who is “considerably” better educated and/or more intellectual than themselves.

Why do we want a smart partner?  

Because intelligence comes with a host of perks.  It is correlated with having a higher income and a keener sense of humor, as well as with creativity, social savvy, motor coordination and skill at solving problems.  “Smart” anchors a relationship.  And a host of data I have collected with Match.com on a representative sample of Americans now illustrates that we are naturally drawn to someone with our level of intelligence.  

Other factors play a role in mate choice.  Timing is important.  If you’re not ready, you won’t notice the smartest person in the room, even if he or she is sitting on your lap.  We tend to fall for someone of the same socio-economic background, degree of good looks, same religious and social values and the same reproductive goals.   

Oddly, basic body chemistry also plays a role. People often say, “we have chemistry.”  To find out what they mean, I collected data on any brain system linked with any personality trait.  Indeed, we humans have evolved four broad styles of thinking and behaving, associated with four major chemical systems in the brain: the dopamine, serotonin, testosterone and estrogen systems. 

If, for example, you are highly expressive of the dopamine system, what I call an Explorer, you tend to be risk-taking and novelty seeking, as well as spontaneous, energetic, curious and creative.  And after studying the dating choices of over 50,000 members of Chemistry.com (a subsidiary of Match.com), I found that Explorers gravitate to other Explorers.  Be they backpackers who explore the world or urbanites interested in symphony or poetry, Explorersare drawn to individuals who join them in their physical or intellectual adventures. 

Builders, men and women who are highly expressive of the traits linked with the serotonin system also seek a partner like themselves.  These men and women are cautious and traditional. They respect authority, follow the rules, enjoy schedules and tend to be orderly and conscientious.  And they seek a partner equally eager to build family, home and community.  

But the last two biological types, the Director and Negotiator, seek their opposite: one another.  Directors, who are particularly expressive of testosterone, tend to be analytical, direct, decisive, tough minded and good at things such as math, engineering, mechanics, computers and/or music.  However, they are particularly attracted to the high estrogen type, Negotiators, those who see the big picture, and are imaginative, intuitive, compassionate and verbally and socially skilled. 

Each of us is a complex combination of all these brain systems and their associated styles of thought and action. But we do have distinct personalities—based, in part, on our biology.   Nevertheless, you can walk into a room filled with people of your type–and you don’t fall in love with all of them.  Here’s where intelligence comes in.  Among that array of potential partners, you will still seek those similar to you in intellect. 

So a recommendation for Valentine’s Day.  Intelligence comes in many varieties. And when you first meet someone, you tend to over-weigh the few things you know about him or her, then evaluate them on these morsels of information.  Give a potential partner a chance to show their brilliance.  The more you get to know someone, the more you like them and the more you think they are similar to yourself. 

You might even trigger your brain circuitry for intense romantic passion.  “Smart” is an aphrodisiac for love.

Is “smart” sexy?  Singles think so.  Today some 80% of singles say they “must have” or find it “very important” to have someone of the same level of intelligence.   And 89% would make a commitment to someone who is “considerably” better educated or more intellectual than themselves.  Why do we want a smart partner?  

Because intelligence comes with a host of perks.  It is statistically correlated with having a higher income and a keener sense of humor, as well as with creativity, social savvy, better motor coordination and skill at solving problems.  

These are sexy traits.  “Money” can buy an exciting weekend get-away.  “Humor” and “creativity” boost dopamine activity, which, in turn, can trigger testosterone and sexual craving.  “Good people skills” can translate into better communication between the sheets.  A “well-coordinated” partner is exciting to watch in the sack.  And those who are “skilled at solving problems” are likely to be better at resolving bedroom crises.  

An anthropologist once asked a Kung Bushman living as a hunter in the grasslands of Botswana if he would marry a woman who was smarter than he was.  He replied, “Yes, because she’d make me smart too.”  A smart partner might even make you smarter.   

Ignorance is bliss?  No way.  Smart is the new sexy.

“I don’t like money actually.  But it quiets my nerves,” said heavyweight boxer, Joe Louis.  We all like money, for many reasons.  But Singles today aren’t waiting for a fat wallet to win romance.  Indeed, when the 2012 Martch.com survey asked over 5,000 Singles in America, “In what ways has the current economic situation affected your dating habits,” 60% checked the box: “My dating habits haven’t been affected by the economy.”  Moreover, when asked whether the down economy had made them more interested in finding someone to share their life with, only 5.7% “strongly agreed” and 13.2% “agreed somewhat;” the rest disagreed or had no opinion.  For Singles, it’s business as usual.   They seem to understand the old refrain, “money can’t buy love.”

I’m not surprised that the economic downturn hasn’t seriously affected Singles’ dating habits.   I study personality.  And our attitudes about money—and the ways we spend our cash—have a genetic basis. I’ve seen some really stingy rich people.   And I’ve known some poor and middle class folk who were super generous.  Sure, many are now going to cheaper restaurants, buying fewer clothes and toys, and traveling to less exotic places.  But their economic woes haven’t changed their ancient drive to seek a mate, nor made them less picky about this partner—these habits are too deeply woven into the human brain to be squashed by an economic blip.

What blew my mind, however, was how Singles responded to a different query about money: “When, if ever, would you date someone who is unemployed?”  Some 36% checked the  box: “If I was interested in the person, unemployment wouldn’t matter.”  Money, that god of yesteryear, is losing its romantic value.   Singles are now seeking different traits in a partner:  Over 90% “must have” a mate whom they can trust and confide in, as well as someone who respects them.  Over 80% “must have” a partner who has a sense of humor and is comfortable communicating his or her wants and needs.  And 73% of both sexes want a partner who is physically attractive to them.  For at least 5,000 years both men and women were obliged to choose someone of their own religious, ethnic and economic background.  No more. Singles are turning inward, shedding these traditions to seek deep intimacy with another.     Times don’t change fast, of course.  Some 36% of women (and 13% of men) in this Singles in America study report that they “must have” a partner who makes as much money as they do.   And 45% of men are turned off by a woman who “doesn’t care about her career.”   But today many strive for more ancient goals: companionship and love.

William and Kate have chemistry!  They are perfect for one another–from the biological perspective. They both appear to be Explorers — novelty seeking, curious, creative people naturally expressive of the dopamine system in the brain.  As William summed up their mutual outlook on life:  “I like space and freedom.”  Brother Harry agrees,  recently saying, “He’s a wild thing.” 

From my studies on Chemistry.com, I have found that two Explorers are naturally drawn to one another.  And they make an exiting and effective team.  Explorers love to learn; they have many interests; and they are high energy, flexible, adventurous; and interested in sex.   He likes to fly helicopters.  She is a daring skier.  Both have found a partner who will work and play just as hard and creatively as they had always dreamed. 

But William and Kate also appear to have some differences in biology that will enhance their love for one another.  As well as being primarily an Explorer, William is naturally expressive of the estrogen system in the brain—what I call a Negotiator.  Indications of this are what he calls his guiding principles: “honesty,” “authenticity,” “thoughtfulness” and “caring.”  These are the ideals of a Negotiator.  Moreover, he once slept on the street in London to call attention to the homeless; and he is already involved in over 21 charitable organizations.  Diana wanted William to be a “people’s king.”  He’s built for it.

Kate is different. Like many female world leaders, she expressed more of the testosterone system—what I call a Director. She was a tomboy as a child, as well as a star athlete; and she still plays tennis and other competitive, action-oriented sports—indications of testosterone priming in the womb. She is also an amateur photographer, an interest that requires the spatial skills of the high testosterone type.  She goes to the gym every day—boosting levels of testosterone. And she is highly disciplined with what she eats (beans, salads, salmon and barbeque). Self discipline is another outstanding trait of the Director. Prince Charles has remarked of Kate, “She’s not like other girls; she never complains about bad weather.”  Indeed, Kate has also been called “formidable” and “self assured,” more traits of this biological type. The Director and Negotiator are also particularly drawn to one another, as well as nicely matched.  In this case, Kate will be a bold, inventive, analytical, fair and loyal voice on the pillow of her future king.  And with his compassion, imagination and romantic traits, William will be a supportive and charming teammate to this beautiful, dynamic forthcoming queen.

I just ate a black and white cookie the size of a dinner plate.  But I’m finding it difficult to feel too guilty about it here in Las Vegas, where I have come to make a speech.  In the conference ballroom where I just spoke about love were some 300 therapists in the helping professions–eager to understand and help those suffering from multiple addictions.   Outside the ballroom were thousands upon thousands of men and women bent on self destruction now—many holding their drinks close as they ambled from one casino to the next, pulled at the one-armed bandits, or bent over their buffet trays.  I’ve had my share of addictions; I’m utterly respectful of the problems we create when we travel in partyland.  But what struck me most about the crowd was the ever-present force of romance.   I saw three brides dressed in white flowing gowns, parents wheeling baby carriages while holding hands; even the cover of the Welcome to Las Vegas magazine in my hotel room displayed a handsome woman above the caption “The obsession is back.”  We don’t tend to think of romantic love as an addiction.  But it has all the qualities of a first class craving, including intense focus on a particular other, the belief that this individual is special, elation when things are going well, mood swings into despair when things go poorly, the distortion of reality, the willingness to do just about anything to win him or her, sexual possessiveness, craving and obsession.   Someone is camping in your head.  Indeed, with our newest brain scanning experiment, my colleagues and I have found some of the primary centers that become active when someone is rejected in love.  Among them are regions associated with profound addiction.  Romantic love is a primordial drive that evolved to enable us to focus our mating energy on just one person at a time.  It’s magic at the right moment, with the right person.  But just like the black and white cookie I just inhaled, it can get out of hand.

DO craft a clever username. Sure, you could be Bill1031…lots of people could. Instead, try for something catchier and more descriptive of your interests and outlook, such as BBQKing or MidwestSurfer.

DO make those first few words of your headline count. On search pages, only the first four to six words or so of your headline will show, so pack good information into that space. Rather than, “Hey, nice to meet you. I’m a single father who loves kayaking…” try, “Kayaking single-dad hopes to meet…”

DO grab attention. You know that saying, you only get one chance to create a great first impression. So start with a bang: Consider using a quote, lyric, or even the opening line of your favorite joke. Get creative and have fun—you’ll connect with people who share your sensibility.

DO show off your personality with specifics. Showing works better than telling. Why say you’re a “nice guy” when you could write “I’m a lawyer who rescues stray cats, and I’m seeking a similarly kind-hearted companion”?  

DO say who you’re looking for. Of course, you want to talk about yourself. But also be sure to describe the kind of person you’re looking for. Don’t only mention activities you enjoy. Also spell out the traits you seek in a romantic partner.

DO consult your friends Nobody’s more honest—or knows you better—than your best friends. So, why not ask them how they’d describe you to a potential mate and use that insight?

DO give people a reason to e-mail you Try asking a question – where to get the best burritos in town, for instance. Or keep it current – mention your opinion of a movie or concert you went to last weekend, and see what others have to say about it.

DO check out the competition.  Go ahead and see how others are describing themselves. Read profiles, and tune in to what works and what doesn’t. 

DO proofread and spell-check. It’s not just teachers who look for misspelled words. Lots of Match.com members will skip a profile with typos because it makes you seem like you don’t care enough.

DON’T use clichés. “Prince Charming paging girl next door” “I love movies, eating out, and a good sunset.” Who doesn’t? Instead, aim to say something no one else can – that’s when the real you is coming through.

DON’T unpack your baggage. Your profile isn’t the place to complain about your exes or list all your dating deal-breakers. Instead, focus on the positive – and the future. There’ll be plenty of time to talk about your past once you’re involved with someone. 

DON’T leave a lot blank.  Especially the “about me” space. If you do, you’re telling potential partners that you’re unsure of what you want, which doesn’t bode well for a serious relationship. 

DON’T rely on lists. A string of adjectives – “kind, honest, generous, caring, creative, smart, good-natured, intense except when laid-back” – well, it just doesn’t add the kind of detail that furthers your cause. 

DON’T include off-Match.com contact info In order to keep everyone safe, only communicate through the talkmatch.com email account that we provide. Never include direct contact information in your initial email. 

DON’T use offensive language We hope it goes without saying, but we simply won’t post any profile that contains racism, abusive language, profanity, overtly sexual terms, references to illegal activities or anything else we believe crosses the line.